Reflections

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if all parents do it, but every night after putting my daughter to bed, I find myself looking at pictures I’ve taken during the day and laughing at all the funny things she said or did. It seems like while I’m in the moment, I’m tired, worn-out, and waiting for my husband to get home from work to help me. I realize that I criticize myself and how I acted earlier with her. I hope that she doesn’t remember the eye-roll that I gave her, or how I snapped at her when she asked for a snack for the forty-third time.
I take notice of how she treats her dolls and if that is any correlation, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. She talks sweetly to them, reads to them, feeds them, and puts them down for naps. She holds and rocks them alone in her rocking chair when she thinks no one is watching. It makes my heart melt seeing her love on her babies like I love on her. Even though I can see myself in her loving actions with her dolls, I pray that she doesn’t also notice my poor actions and words when I’m frustrated with her for not eating her lunch and then asking for a snack as soon as she gets down. You can probably tell I am still a little salty about that.
Tonight is no different from every other night. I sit here in my spot on the porch typing away and thinking about how I let the whole day slip away because I was tired and cranky and now I can’t get it back. People always say time flies. I found that to be true when Aubrey started turning over, crawling, standing, walking, RUNNING, when she turned 1, when she started talking, and when she turned 2. Now I realize it goes so fast because we are waiting for something. Waiting for the weekend, waiting for our husbands to get home, waiting for a break. We don’t just live in the moment and ENJOY the moment.
I am going to strive to do better. I am going to strive to BE better for my daughters. Today, I complained to my husband that Aubrey was misbehaving and being really sassy to me. I kept asking her “why? why are you acting like this?”. I know she’s two, but she is really a great kid and today she just seemed off. Then I realized that those puckered lips, scowl on her face, and snapping at me could have been and probably was caused by me. It hit me how my attitude towards her is shaping her; the good and the bad.
Tomorrow is going to be different. I am going to pause and think about what to say to Aubrey instead of raising my voice or glaring. I am going to play in her kitchen with her and pretend-eat all of the food she makes for me. I’m going to put my phone down and stop looking at the time. When she asks me for a snack for the forty-third time, I’m not going to snap. I don’t want another day to go by where I feel like it slipped through my fingers, and I also don’t want another day to go by where Aubrey feels like I don’t want to be there. One day, Aubrey won’t want to play with me anymore and I’m not ready for that day to come yet.

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I'm a stay-at-home mom, wife, and follower of Jesus just trying to make it! "It" being life in general, food, crafts, and anything else I subject myself to during the journey of motherhood. I live near Atlanta, Georgia with my husband, two daughters- 2 and under, and my dog, Tink. Follow me on this journey as I go through it and hopefully we can figure "it" out together!

One thought on “Reflections

  1. Oh Niki. You really are a good Mama. Wish I had done as good. Times were much harder back then for me. But Time did fly – way too fast- anf even tho All my kids are grown and kids of their own – i still many many dsys wish I could go back and so things Better – give my kids better memories – and happier times. Unfortunately – thats impossible -but now I feel Im a better grandmother and gr – grandmother because of mistakes I made When mine were little – and i take time to show my love more now. But. Grandmothers dont have all that day to day work required just caring for the kiddos and arent worn out constantly from the daily care of small ones. Go on being just what and who you are and dont beat yourself up ever. Youre doing a great job with two – and it shows. Love you sweetheart ( and all my sweet grands and gr. Grands too). I am so happy MY kids have done such a loving job with all you grands and I can enjoy and love all of you forever !
    Love MM

    Liked by 1 person

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